Something has really stuck with me lately
It's the image of someone caught in the throes of anxiety who is tremulously monitoring their pulse
I used to do this
I can distinctly remember being at a beautiful restaurant where we were supposed to be celebrating Father's Day
I snuck off at different intervals to the bathroom because I was convinced that my heart rate was too high
I would nervously sit in the stall with my index finger pressed to the carotid artery in my neck
Counting beats
Terrified
Making my heartbeat skyrocket because of my vigilance
I know that this common fear in anxious people is related to a lot of cultural discourse around heart failure as a common cause of death
But, still there is something truly ironic around this fear
Because a fear of one's heartbeat is a fear of the greatest signal of being alive
The pulse is the greatest sign that the Universe is choosing YOU to be present and a part of its wild dance
Not only is the heartbeat a sign that the magic of the universe is miraculously continuing to animate the inanimate materials that make up your body
It's also a sign that you are doing something important or exciting
Sure, the heart rate increases in times of fear and threat
But it also increases when we're presented with an opportunity, a challenge, or something touches our spirit
So the anxious person who lies awake counting their heart beats and trying to achieve a state of low, steady pulse which is usually accompanied by low, even emotion
Is really seeking a state that is as close as possible to sleep or even death
To run away from an elevated heart rate is to run away from excitement, from opportunity, from adventure
I find this all really ironic, because at the core, the anxious person has erroneously learned that they are not equipped for life and that their thoughts offer a reliable guide for safety
They are, literally, afraid to live
It's a really shitty way to live
And I know, because I've lived it
What I want for me and for you is to let the pulse run wild (and then of course, eventually slow down)
I want to feel all the feelings
And face the raw, unpredictable wild of this life
Oddly enough, I (the real me) has never let me down
Unlike my thoughts, which always do
And all the thinking and the pulse feeling only ever got in the way
I want to LIVE
And I want that for you too
Photo by DESIGNECOLOGIST on Unsplash