Today (7/1/2020) is the due date for my second daughter, and here we are, waiting. A wild and inexplicable thing that is both completely supernatural and completely ordinary is about to happen. A completely new life is preparing to enter this big, complicated, and beautiful world with new strength, new love, new resilience, and new hope.
I feel incredibly privileged to be able to give birth again with the new perspective that I have, and it's interesting to reflect on some of the differences between awaiting the birth of my first daughter and this one. With my first daughter, I was consumed with getting everything just right. I had to eat just right, take all the right classes, birth her just right, and I was petrified that if I missed something, that everything would go wrong and that it would ALL BE MY FAULT.
There are a lot of things that are memorable from my first birth. A lot of things didn't go as planned. However, there is one thing that is more memorable than anything else, and that I will never forget as long as I live. After getting through transition and reaching the time to push, I can remember feeling a tinge of fear about whether or not I could do it. But when i started to initiate that first push, I put forth what felt like a very feeble effort, and simultaneously a force that felt like the strength of an army charged through my body with more power than I had ever experienced. Honestly, it was terrifying. It was like something beyond me with infinite strength was inside of me ushering the new life of my daughter into the world. This thing was completely out of my control, but also completely wonderful and acting on my behalf. The birth of my daughter wasn't on my shoulders. Rather, it was being done through me.
So as I await this new precious life, yes, I try to make wise decisions and follow my intuition. However, more than anything, I'm waiting to show up and watch what comes through me. I'll be a spectator just as much as I am a participant, and if I'm honest, I can't wait. I know it will probably hurt like hell and there will be moments that I'll think that I can't keep going, but I will, and I'll have everything I need the whole time. Then after the pain, I'll get to experience the inexplicable joy and wonder of holding my new daughter in my arms for the first time. Honestly birth is the perfect analogy for all of life - the roller coaster of feeling unspeakably low and inexplicably high, the mix of mundane ordinariness with supernatural magic, the relentless continuation of new life and creativity, and our ability to experience it all while being a witness to the experience at the same time.
Honestly, I want to live my life more like waiting for this birth. I want to stand ready to play my part in whatever comes my way. I want to be open to all the drama of the experience while feeling secure that the drama won't consume me. I want to be eager to see what Life will bring through me, knowing that it will be wonderful, and that I will be completely supported every step of the way.
Life is ready for you and already in love with you, baby girl, and I cannot wait to meet you.